Well, we’re back. (not really)

Since my comp is MIA, I guess I’m forced to face reality. I no longer have a distraction (for now) & as a result of this, I noticed that once you get comfortable in a temporary sitaution, things will shake themselves up on you.

No distractions force you to take more responsibility, to be less afraid, to say I don’t give a f**k. While talking with a friend, I realized how we get so comfortable in our own misery and how other people contribute to that.

We’d rather lessen our experiences and happiness on the account of someone’s perception. & 9 times out of 10, the person that creates these roadblocks are ourselves.

Why live your life in fear and regret because you think you know how someone is going to react? Or not engage because of what people will think? In the grand scheme of things, you can’t make everyone like you. These things shouldn’t have any lasting effect on your infastructure of happiness. It takes dealing with a certain type of person for you to realize that you live your life for you and then for those who attribute to your happiness, your gain.

In retrospect, you have to hold yourself in high regard when you get knocked down by the “powers” that be. Be so far up there so when they tear you down, you are not too far from the top. The bottom is never an option.

I recently thought about the idea of restoring my relationship with my old band members. It’s easier to say you’ve moved on and while that may be somewhat true in my case, the music has changed. I feel like they “got” me musically. Or they were able to just figure out something in my lack of knowing.

I say this because I met up with McG to get him a copy of the record. I couldn’t help but feel oddly happy. I was happy to see him and that he was pleasant about being in my now defunct car, talking to me like time hadn’t gone by when we were at each other’s throat. This part was odd; feeling excited and open but letting our pride put up a barrier cause we’ve been upset; afraid to get hurt. But there was nothing but love. At least from my end but I do believe that.

If it was anything else, we wouldn’t have met. I still don’t know what to make of the reunion, in its’ brief moments, still left a significant feeling on me. Darnelle stated that maybe the demise of our relationship was that no one knew their place. Was it a band or my band? Maybe it was acting as a band when it was really just my band. My backing, my support. But there’s no mistake what it is or whatever it needs to be. I know that now. I think things would be different now, but am I ready to be vulnerable and candid? There goes that pride thing again….

Confidence comes from rejection.

(as Maxwell’s “Cold” play)

“I had to go and think that I could be more best. Left alone then with you next, it develops nonetheless…”

-Sent from my iPhone